Compulsive Porn Use, Shame and Recovery: What Ore Oduba’s Story Can Teach Us
When Ore Oduba recently spoke publicly about his relationship with pornography, one part of what he said particularly stood out to me. It wasn't simply that he described struggling with it for around 30 years. It was the silence.
Ore has said he was first exposed to pornography when he was nine years old. Over time, he described pornography becoming something he returned to when dealing with difficult feelings, rejection, loneliness and experiences he now understands differently.
He also spoke about becoming extremely good at hiding it. For years, nobody really knew.
I think that will resonate with more people than we perhaps realise.
Pornography is incredibly easy to access, yet for people who feel their use has become compulsive, it can be incredibly difficult to talk about. There can be embarrassment. Fear of judgement. Fear that a partner will find out. Fear about what the behaviour says about you.
And sometimes a very painful question: "Why can't I just stop?"
That is where I think a more compassionate conversation needs to begin.
Compulsive Porn Use Is Not Simply About Watching Porn
Watching pornography does not automatically mean somebody has a problem. Plenty of adults view pornography without experiencing significant distress or feeling that their behaviour is out of control. Frequency alone doesn't necessarily tell us very much either.
For me, a more useful question is: What relationship do you have with it?
Does it still feel like a choice? Or does it feel increasingly like something you have to do? Perhaps you've decided repeatedly that you're going to stop but find yourself returning to it. Maybe you're spending far more time watching porn than you intended. Perhaps you're hiding your use from your partner. It may be affecting intimacy or sex. You might find yourself using it whenever you're stressed, lonely, rejected or bored.
And afterwards? Relief may quickly be replaced by guilt. Then shame. Then another promise that this was the last time. Until it happens again.
That pattern is often more important than simply asking how many times somebody watches pornography.
Ore Oduba's Story Is Really a Story About Shame
Ore described keeping this part of his life hidden for decades. He has spoken about feeling deeply ashamed and about learning to mask what was happening from an early age.
I think shame deserves much more attention when we talk about compulsive porn use.
Because shame rarely sounds like: "I'm experiencing a behaviour that I'm finding difficult to control."
It tends to sound more like:
"What's wrong with me?"
"I'm disgusting."
"Nobody can ever know."
"My partner would leave me if they found out."
"A normal person wouldn't do this."
Those thoughts can make someone withdraw further. And the more isolated they become, the harder it may feel to talk honestly about what is happening. That can create a vicious circle. You feel bad. You use pornography to escape or change how you feel. You feel temporary relief. Then you feel ashamed. The shame makes you feel worse. And eventually the urge to escape returns.
Sometimes Pornography Becomes a Way of Coping
One of the most important things Ore has said is that pornography became connected with how he dealt with difficult emotional experiences.
This doesn't mean that everyone who struggles with pornography has experienced trauma.
They haven't. And it would be far too simplistic to suggest that compulsive porn use always has one underlying cause. But for some people, pornography begins to serve a purpose beyond sexual stimulation. It can become a way of switching off. Escaping. Feeling something. Or, sometimes, feeling nothing.
Someone might turn to porn when they feel:
Lonely
Anxious
Rejected
Stressed
Bored
Angry
Low
Unwanted
Overwhelmed
Emotionally numb
In the short term, it works. That's why the behaviour becomes attractive. For a few minutes, attention shifts. The difficult emotion becomes quieter. The problem is that the underlying feeling usually hasn't gone anywhere.
What Happens Just Before You Reach for Porn?
This can be an important question.
Not: "Why am I doing this again?"
But: "What happened just before I wanted to?"
Perhaps you had an argument with your partner.
You felt criticised at work.
You were alone late at night.
Someone rejected you.
You couldn't sleep.
You felt unattractive.
You were anxious.
You were bored.
Understanding those moments can tell us something about the role the behaviour is playing.
If pornography has become one of the main ways you manage difficult emotions, simply removing it leaves a gap.
And unless that gap is understood, willpower alone can become very difficult to sustain.
Why "Just Stop" Often Isn't Enough
People can be incredibly hard on themselves around pornography. They make rules. Delete apps. Install blockers. Promise their partner. Promise themselves. Sometimes those steps are useful. But if the behaviour has become deeply connected with emotional regulation, simply restricting access may not address why the urge keeps returning.
Imagine somebody uses porn every time they feel rejected. They stop watching. Then rejection happens. The feeling remains. Now what?
Recovery may involve learning to recognise that emotional trigger and finding other ways of responding to it. That could mean tolerating uncomfortable feelings rather than immediately escaping them. It might mean talking to somebody. Addressing loneliness. Working on self-esteem. Exploring relationship difficulties. Or understanding older experiences that continue to shape how you feel about yourself.
The aim isn't just: "How do I stop watching porn?"
Sometimes the more useful question is: "What am I trying not to feel?"
The Cycle of Compulsive Porn Use
For some people, the cycle looks something like this:
Difficult emotion → urge → pornography → temporary relief → guilt or shame → more emotional distress → another urge
Not everybody experiences it in exactly that way. But when someone recognises themselves in that cycle, it can be helpful.
It begins to move the conversation away from: "I'm weak."
towards: "There is a pattern here."
Patterns can be understood. And what can be understood can often begin to change.
Compulsive Porn Use and Relationships
Pornography itself is not automatically a relationship problem. Couples have very different attitudes towards it. For some, pornography is acceptable within their relationship. For others, it isn't. There isn't one universal rule.
The problems tend to arise when pornography is connected with secrecy, broken agreements or a loss of choice.
A partner may feel hurt because they have repeatedly been lied to.
They may wonder:
"Why wasn't I enough?"
"Are they comparing me to what they're watching?"
"What else don't I know?"
The person using porn may meanwhile feel enormous shame and become increasingly defensive. Sexual intimacy can also change. Sometimes there is less interest in partnered sex. Sometimes anxiety develops around sexual performance. Sometimes pornography becomes easier because it involves no vulnerability, rejection or emotional negotiation.
It is important not to reduce every relationship problem to pornography. But when secrecy enters a relationship, trust can be damaged. Repairing that usually involves more than simply promising never to watch porn again.
"Porn Addiction" or Compulsive Sexual Behaviour?
People commonly use the phrase porn addiction, including Ore Oduba when speaking about his own experience.
Clinically, however, things are a little more nuanced. The World Health Organization's ICD-11 recognises Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder, often shortened to CSBD.
The term is used when someone experiences an ongoing inability to control intense or repetitive sexual impulses or behaviours which significantly affect their life. Pornography may form part of that pattern. The label is not the most important thing. What matters is whether the behaviour is causing distress and whether the person feels they still have meaningful control over it. Someone shouldn't be labelled as having a disorder simply because they watch porn, masturbate frequently or have a strong sex drive.
The important questions are about control, consequences and impact.
Ore Oduba's Concerns About Children and Pornography
Ore has also spoken about his concerns as a parent, particularly because he first encountered pornography himself at such a young age. I think this deserves conversation without turning it into panic. Children and teenagers can now encounter explicit material very easily, sometimes deliberately and sometimes accidentally.
The concern is that pornography can become an informal form of sex education without providing the context young people need around:
Consent.
Communication.
Respect.
Realistic bodies.
Emotional intimacy.
Healthy relationships.
Avoiding the subject doesn't prevent young people encountering pornography. Age-appropriate conversations may instead help them understand that what they see online is not necessarily a realistic representation of sex or relationships—and that they can speak to a trusted adult if something confuses or upsets them.
Can Counselling Help With Compulsive Porn Use?
Yes.
Counselling should not be about shaming somebody for their sexuality or automatically assuming pornography is wrong.
It can provide somewhere confidential to understand:
What triggers the behaviour
What emotions porn helps you avoid or manage
Shame and secrecy
Relationship difficulties
Loneliness
Self-esteem
Intimacy
Previous experiences that may still affect you
Rather than concentrating only on: “How do I stop?” therapy can also explore: “Why has this become so important to me?”
That can be where meaningful change begins.
You Don't Need to Call Yourself an Addict to Ask for Help
This is probably the part of Ore Oduba's story that stays with me most. He carried something privately for decades. There will be other people doing the same. Outwardly, everything may look perfectly normal. Work. Relationships. Family. Friends. And yet there is something you feel you cannot tell anyone.
If that sounds familiar, you don't need to arrive in counselling with the perfect diagnosis.
You don't have to say: "I'm a porn addict."
You might simply say: “This doesn't feel like a choice anymore.” Or: “I'm worried about my porn use.” Or even: “There's something I've never really been able to talk about.”
That's enough to begin.
Written by Paul Madden MBACP (Accred) is a BACP Accredited Counsellor and Psychotherapist with around 20 years of experience supporting adults through anxiety, grief and bereavement, relationship difficulties, stress and burnout, men's mental health, sexual health concerns, life transitions and the emotional impact of health diagnoses. He offers online, telephone and in-person counselling in Ashford, Kent.
Learn more about Paul and his approach →
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